http://www.fetlife.com

If you’re interested, reply to this post with your email.

I’ve been asked to create a show for the Canterbury House in Berkeley. I’ve decided to photograph people (regardless of gender) in the traditional poses of the Virgin Mary- Each subject gets to choose the background, costume, and halo that represents what they feel makes them powerful and holy. The Canterbury House runs a program for “UC Berkeley’s Episcopal and Anglican students and their friends.” It is a welcoming space for all people (regardless of sexual orientation, gender, ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, ability, etc) to gather and discuss faith. I am friends with the Chaplain, Tom Poynor, and am supporting his program because I feel it’s a valuable space for people to gather safely to talk about their spirituality. Although I do not subscribe to a religion myself, I feel that this opportunity to explore religious iconography and reclaim the image of the Virgin for myself and my community is exciting and challenging.

The Virgin Mary/Santa Maria/La Virgen is possibly the most accessible figure in Christianity- A humble, earthly woman who was chosen to fulfill a great task. The Holy Virgin represents protection, understanding, care, and love.The idea of a poor woman being chosen to bring the son of God into the world is incredibly appealing- The image of Mary is worshiped by people all around the world. The Basilica of the Virgin of Guadalupe (a specific image of the Virgin popular in Mexico) is the second most visited holy site second only to the Vatican. The Holy Mother is beloved to so many because she represents the unrepresented. She cares for those who are forgotten, creates a safe space for those who are excluded.

Many people find power in her image because she represents a simple, downtrodden woman who was chosen by God. I want to claim her image for my community. Queers, women, transfolx, young people..We hold so much power. We are holy. We are the humble downtrodden who are capable of amazing things.

Traditional images of the Virgin have her surrounded by a halo of light to show her holiness/glory/spirit. If you’re interested in posing for me, please send me an email with what your vision is. You get to choose what you’ll be wearing (or not), what will be in the background, how your halo will be represented.. Think about what represents your holiness? Your power? Your spirit? I want to create images that can act as icons for our community. Images that inspire and protect.

Some traditional images to get your inspiration- these are the types of poses I’d like to recreate:

This project is what you all make it- So please come to me with your ideas and excitement. If you have friends you think would be interested, please pass the word on!

Hooray!

This weekend I went to summer camp. It is called Leather Levi Weekend. At first I was very scared because I didn’t know what to expect. But I felt better once I knew that lots of my friends were going too. I got to travel to camp with my friend Bex. She’s really funny and it was fun to be in the long car ride up with her. When I got to camp I got to set up my tent! It was fun to be sleeping outside. My friend R was very nice and let me borrow a tent so I didn’t have to buy one.

My friend K was at camp with his boyfriend J. I think that K’s boyfriend is very cute and I got shy when I saw him there. But they were both very nice to me and K and J let me come to the pool with them for the cigar party. There were lots of people smoking big cigars near the pool and I saw that there was a big golden spanking bench near the pool, too. I got on it to test it out, and J started spanking me! It was very nice to have such a handsome bear giving me spankings on the golden spanking bench. He also played with my nipples and pulled my hair and took me back to his cabin and fucked me on the sling that was on his porch. While I had my head thrown back I heard and saw bats flying above me. After I came (and came and came) J took a very naughty shower with me then walked me back to my tent so I wouldn’t be scared.

The second day of camp was lots of fun, too! I went swimming in the big pool and then played water ballons with Bex and Calvin and her Daddy. I had to take a nap because I was so tired, but later I got to watch a girl get tied like a human pinata. She was strung up with little tissue paper balls full of candy tied to her and then people got to come up with paddles and canes and sticks and whips and hit her and the tissue paper balls and make the candy come out. She also had hard boiled eggs put in her girl-hole and had to push them out like a chicken. J also put forceps on my nipples (again) and attached them with chains to forceps on HIS nipples and we pulled against each other. It felt very good. At night I was sitting all innocent-like on the porch of J&K’s cabin, and K started playing with my dick. Then J came back and said I should suck K’s cock, so I did. Then We all went into J&K’s room and had lots of very sweaty, growly sex. It was hard to fit all three of us on the small bed, but it was fun to have a big bear cuddle pile.

On Saturday Bex tied me up to a post near the pool. I was on my hands and knees and she tied my hands to the post and my legs and chest down, too so I was very vulnerable with my ass up in the air. Miss M and J and K and C all came over and kicked me and punched me and slapped me and then C stuck her fingers in me and made me cum. Then I had to rush to my volunteer shift with Leland. After my shift me and C hung out and she watched me jack off in the sling by the pool then took me back to the porch sling and fucked me with her cock.I had another volunteer shift, but Daddy V hit me with Bex’s mean metal pony toy which was cool because Daddy V is very respected.

At night was the cocktail party where we all dressed up in our fancy leather and fetish gear and wandered from cabin to cabin to get yummy snacks and drinks. Then there was a big show. I didn’t want to perform but Lady H and K and Bex and some other people convinced me I should, so I did. People really liked my show, so I’m glad I performed. After the show I went to J&K’s cabin and watched C fuck K up the butt. While he was getting fucked J jacked me off then took me to his room and muzzled me cuz I was being too loud and put a collar and cuffs on me so I wouldn’t squirm so much. Then he took me outside and choked me and played with my nipples and hit me. Then he left me with Lady H and Miss M who were very mean to me and made me cry a little. But then they took care of me. Later I got to watch C do some electricity play with J.

On the last day of camp I woke up and was very grumpy. At breakfast I got to see all my friends- Leland and her Daddy and Calvin and her Daddy and Bex and J and K and C and Lady M and Cru and Miss M and Daddy B….And I got a surprise because the camp voted my performance as the “best run show performance”! It made me feel better but then I had to pack up my stuff and that made me sad again. But then I got to blow a blow dart into Calvin’s ass which was silly and made me happy again. I said good bye to all my friends. It was sad but they all live near me and promised I’d see them again soon. Then Bex and I drove home.

Camp was lots of fun. J said he could be my Uncle J which makes me very happy. And I tried new things like breath play. And I was naked a lot which is new for me. I learned that for some reason, people really wanna pee on me. And that if I breath through it, I can take more stingy pain then I thought I could. I saw lots of hot play and met lots of cool people. I have lots of bug bites, but it was worth it. I’m sad I’m not at camp anymore, but I can’t wait for next year.

Good night, journal. I’m very tired now and am excited to sleep in my own bed where the bathroom is nearby.

xoxox,

mo

Being a big kid really sucks sometimes.

Thank god for great community, or I’d be a wreck. Still jobless, uninsured, barely making rent, still processing my dad’s death…It’s hard enough to jump through the hoops of adulthood without having to constantly confront my gender head on.

But I’m finding that instead of getting easier, getting comfy with my gender is only getting harder. I recently had a really tough conversation with a friend who told me I was “naive” if I thought I could ever be perceived as a boy without taking hormones/wanting to change my body. To him, the fact that I’m genderqueer doesn’t make sense. If I’m male identified, I should logically want to do everything in my power to “pass.” That I’m not experiencing dysphoria with my chest and cunt is illogical to him: Why would I want to make things harder for myself by staying “in between” genders?

The conversation with the aforementioned friend really fucked me up. Hearing another trans person tell me that my identity is delusional is a pretty hard thing to swallow. It’s made me do a lot of processing and come to one very solid conclusion:

I’m still not sure.

Yes, my gender identity isn’t easy to understand. No, I’m not like most other transguys. Yeah, I’m still unsure if I’m going to start testosterone. No, I still don’t want a mastectomy. I know I act too girly most of the time to pass in the “real world” and that I’m not making things easier for myself by wearing pink and purple and squealing and giggling and generally acting like a faggot.

I know that being in the middle doesn’t make things easy. I know that how I choose to express myself isn’t “clear” or “palatable” for most people. God only knows that I wish I was sure of everything and could plow head first into transition or give it all up and go back to bras and heels.

But that’s my gender. It’s still undefined and confused and ridiculous and floating somewhere in the middle of the good old “gender spectrum.” I still expect you to call me by male pronouns and respect that I’m leaning towards the more masculine end. I don’t care if I confuse you. I don’t need my struggle with my gender to be made even more complicated by other people’s ideas and expectations.

And ya know what? Fuck you. I’m doing more for myself and society by taking the time to question your expectations and my expectations and the world’s expectations. This is my journey. I feel lost and scared and unsupported and confused most of the time, but I know that when I find my path it will be MY PATH.

I drove up to Seattle with my family last night and almost immediately hopped into Daddy W’s car- Daddy W has been a mentor and on-again off-again play partner of mine since we first met in December 08.

He took me to his big house and farm, read me a bedtime story out of “The Leather Daddy and the Femme,” then cuddled with me till we both fell asleep. The next morning he brought me coffee in bed, then we went out to feed his alpacas, ducks, geese, chickens, llama, sheep and goat. I helped him gather the chicken eggs and we brought them inside where he made me a big breakfast. Afterwards he made me a pair of custom leather wrist cuffs!

Daddy W had a date in the afternoon with a big bio-bear who wanted to do an objectification scene where he was washed like a car. They invited me to participate, so I alternated between helping Daddy W wash his real car and the more fleshy car next to it. It was a fun mini-scene within a scene- Helping Daddy wash the car while getting a little top energy out with Daddy W’s scene with the car-guy.

After Daddy W’s carwash date left, we got to play. He tied me up in a chest harness and tied my hands behind my back, and attached me to a suspension point coming from his ceiling so i was still fully standing, but could lean into the rope. He did a lot of impact play with me (his favorite- he likes to use me like a punching bag) and would stop and grab my nipples and pull me in and kiss me full force. He did a lot of slapping and spanking and had me DEEP in sub space within a few minutes- I was nonverbal and high as a kite.

Eventually he took me down and forced me onto my belly to untie my hands. Then he rolled me onto my back and sat on my chest and made me jack him off a bit before laying next to me and twisting my nipples as he watched me jack myself off. After I came, we moved to his bed and cuddled and made out and watched each other jack off some more.

Daddy W is the first bio-dude I’ve played with in about four years. I’m mainly comfortable with playing with him because he respects my gender ID. I don’t feel like he’s fetishizing me, and I love the way he talks to me and interacts with me when we’re playing. He gets really excited and big eyed and his energy totally feeds mine. I still had a few moments of “OMG, WHAT AM I DOING?!” but his respect always put me back in the space of realizing that I was ok and not playing with some fucked up straight guy.

I feel like a spoiled little boy right now. I had such a great day with Daddy W! Too bad he doesn’t have a house in the Bay Area! I’d love to be his farm boy

Untitled Erotica- Let’s just call it my “Daddy Daydream”

There are few things in this world more perfect then a big, handsome leather Daddy. My obsession started at my first Folsom. Swimming through the sea of sweaty men in leather chaps and vests was a surprisingly exciting experience for me. While my vanilla friends squealed in shock and disgust at the hairy chests and smelly cigars and exposed cocks, I was secretly in heaven. By the time the next Folsom rolled around, I had given in to my kinky desires and traveled to the Leather High Holy Days in my leather boy finest: Rolled Levi’s, a pristine plain white shirt, and nice clean Doc Martens. I was nervous about whether or not I passed as a boy, but ecstatic about literally submerging myself once more in that hot, crowded throng of testosterone and leather. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from these sexy Daddies and big bears, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for the attention they gave me. I don’t think I passed that well, but few men seemed to care. I got winked at, hit on and my ass slapped more times than I can recall. But I was too terrified and insecure to take any of the flirting any further.

Another year had passed and September was approaching once more. I had spent the time working hard in the women’s leather community, attending more leather events, and becoming more comfortable with my gender identity. Most importantly, a year of dungeon visits had made me more sexually adventurous then I thought I’d ever be. I started going to men’s leather bars- first with groups of leather dykes, then only with my transmale friends. Sometimes I passed, sometimes I didn’t. But I noticed that the more comfortable I got in these spaces, the more attention I received. The pre-Folsom events were becoming more prolific, and I decided to try going to one alone. A “Boots and Cigars” party at a San Francisco leather bar seemed like a good choice for my first solo outing, so I strapped on my carefully polished boots, leather vest and a brand new white shirt, rolled my jeans and headed out to the city.

The closer I got to the bar, the more nervous I got. What if everyone perceived me as some random dyke in the corner and decided to ignore me? I had to keep myself from calling a friend to join me, or from turning away all together. I wanted to challenge myself to be comfortable in a community I wanted to spend more time in, and maybe even flirt with a Daddy or two. After a deep breath I managed to turn the corner and walk confidently up to the bar’s entrance. The bouncer raised an eyebrow at the gender on my ID, but didn’t say a word and let me in.

Immediately, I knew I had made the right decision. The bar was packed with men in leather and denim and beautiful boots and I could smell cigar smoke wafting in from the patio outside. The sight of a bootblack stand in the corner piqued my interest, and I snuck over, standing a polite distance away from a bootblack who was carefully licking a handsome Daddy’s black oil tans. Watching the boot worship got me excited, and made me aware that I was already getting turned on. My sudden arousal made me break my gaze away from the bootlicking, and I looked up only to make direct eye contact with a tall shirtless Daddy in leather pants and a leather vest. He was chewing on a big, unlit cigar and listening intently to someone at his side. When I looked to see who was talking to, I was excited to recognize my friend Allen, an old friend and transman who had encouraged me into the leather scene. I rushed over and hugged Allen who patted me firmly then broke away to introduce me to his incredibly attractive friend.

“Mo, this is my friend Tom. Tom, this is Mo.” As we shook hands I turned bright red, my excitement and embarrassment only increasing as Tom firmly squeezed my hand while looking knowingly into my eyes with an evil smirk on his face.

“Nice to meet you, boy.” His deep rough voice sent another rush to my crotch. I nodded and blushed more, stumbling over my words in a desperate attempt to formulate a response.

“Nice to meet you too….” I paused, not knowing what he wanted to be called, and not wanting to assume. He smiled, deliciously aware of my embarrassment and uncertainty.

“Sir will do.” I melted a little before catching myself and responding coyly,

“Sir. Nice to meet you, Sir.” Allen laughed, recognizing the fact that I was insanely happy to be conversing with such a fine specimen of a leather Daddy.

“You’ve gotta forgive him, Tom. He gets into a room with this many men and his first instinct is to drop to his knees.” Tom and Allen laughed as I smiled awkwardly and looked to the ground.

“That’s a fine place for such a hot little boy to be. Is that true, boy? Is that where you wanna be? On your knees, surrounded by all these Daddies?” My eyes widened as I looked up and nodded enthusiastically. I couldn’t believe this was happening. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what all that head bobbing means. Use your words, boy.” My mouth dropped open and I looked beseechingly to Allen, who only shrugged and grinned maliciously. I looked back to Tom, finally aware of what I needed to say.

“Yes please, Sir.” Tom looked at me, satisfied with my answer. Before I knew it, he had his hand on my head and was pushing me down to my knees. I hit the ground and immediately looked up at him. This was my favorite view of any hot Top. But being on the filthy ground of this leather bar, surrounded by shiny boots, and at the feet this sexy Daddy made the view even better.

“What are you waiting for, boy? Can’t you see I need my boots licked?” Without missing a beat I put my tongue to his immaculate boots. Being on my knees with my face smashed up against his gorgeous boots and with my ass up in the air must have attracted some other men, because before I knew it there was a circle of Daddies around us.

“What do you have here, Tom?” I didn’t dare look up to see who was talking.

“Some little boy who wandered in a couple of minutes ago. I hear he’s a cocksucker.”

“Clearly he is. He’s only been here a few minutes and he’s already on his knees.” It was a different voice, and this new stranger’s statement made the group laugh. I felt a boot hit my ass roughly and push me further forward into Tom’s boot. “Is he doing a good job, Tom? My boots could use some spit.”

“Yeah, he’s doing a decent enough job. Turn around boy, you have more boots that need attention.” I swiveled on my hands and knees and looked at the boots of the man behind me–gorgeous knee high boots with new laces that had been carefully tied. I continued to look up to the denim jeans tucked into the boots. My eyes lingered on the Daddy’s prominent package before stopping at his handsome face and meeting his gaze.

“What a little slut. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this boy was just staring at my cock.” I smiled at him, pleased to have been caught in the act. “What are you smiling at, boy? Did I give you permission to eyeball my crotch?” The smile dropped from my face and I squeaked out a No Sir. The Daddy grabbed my hair and pulled me back up to my knees before shoving my face into his bulge. “Is this what you want, boy? You wanna look at my crotch? You want to know what my big fat cock looks like?” I nodded meekly, relishing the feeling of his warm, semi-hard cock under the rough denim.

“Hell, I think the little pig wants to suck your cock.” The man laughed at his friend’s statement and pushed my head back, leaving me on my knees and dazed in the middle of a circle of 6 big Daddies. I took the scene in, simultaneously terrified and ecstatic that this was happening to me. I could feel my clit throbbing against my jeans and my heart racing against my chest. A hand grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. It was Tom.

“My cock is nice and hard, boy. You want to suck it?” The feeling of his fingers wrapped in my hair was causing a flood of endorphins that made me lightheaded. I was becoming non-verbal from all the attention. I could hardly keep myself from ripping open Tom’s jeans and shoving his dick in my mouth.

“Yes Sir. Please Sir!” He threw my head forward which threw me off balance and caused me to fall to my hands and knees again in front of the Daddy with the knee high boots. He squatted down in front of me and grabbed my hair, forcing me to look at him.

“What are you waiting for? Tom needs his dick sucked. Get to it, boy.” I tried to pull away, but the man wouldn’t let go. He was smiling sadistically, enjoying watching me struggle. He pushed me to the side and Tom kicked me in the ass, which encouraged the other men in the group to start hitting and kicking and pushing. They pushed me back and forth between them for a couple of seconds until I once again wound up in front of Tom, on my knees. He had pulled his cock out and was rolling a condom down onto it. Watching him slowly roll the rubber down his long hard shaft made me start to salivate. I instinctively opened my mouth and he grabbed the back of my head, forcing himself all the way into my mouth. I gagged and he let up a little to let me take a breath. I moaned, grabbing the base of his dick and shoving as much of it into my mouth as I could handle. I started sucking ravenously; spit falling in strings from my mouth. Tom was grunting, his hand still on my head to guide my rhythm and depth. Another voice broke my concentration.

“Let me get some of that.” Tom pulled me off his dick and another hand grabbed my head, leading me to another hard cock standing proudly out of the confines of its owner’s jeans. The stranger handed me a condom and I struggled to open it quickly and roll it on, eager to put another dick in my mouth. I didn’t get to stay with that cock long, though. I started getting passed from man to man. I was completely lost in bottom space. All I wanted was to please each and every one of them, to feel them thrusting into my face, to hear their grunts and moans, to have them push me around and tell me what they wanted. The smell of cigars and leather and sweat and cum only added to my arousal. This is what I had wanted for so long, and it was suddenly happening. I don’t know how long I was on my knees, sucking the dicks of perfect strangers, but I do remember finishing with Tom back in my mouth, his cock pounding my face, tears running down my cheeks. With one final groan he came, and I could feel his cock jumping as it shot its load into the condom. He pulled me off his dick and pushed me back so I was sitting on my ass, looking at the big leathermen who had just gave me one of the best nights of my life. They didn’t seem to care what was between my legs. All they cared about was the fact that I was willing and had at least two orifices they could take advantage of. Tom patted my head and ruffled my hair, then tucked himself away. He looked at me and nodded, and said the two words that made me sublimely happy:

“Good boy.” Then he turned and walked away, leaving me on the floor to fend for myself.

Please let me know if there’s something missing, or if there’s a cool event coming up soon!
*APRIL 10th:*
*CAROL QUEEN!*
*http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/event.php?eid=67878061166*
The amazing sexologist comes to talk about sex positivity, sex work, sex
education and much much more!
6-8pm
Gender Equity Resource Center (202 Cesar Chavez) on the UC Berkeley Campus

*APRIL 15th:*
*QUEER PORN PANEL*
*http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/event.php?eid=49085329778*
Queer Porn Panel with Madison Young, Ian Sparks, Syd Blakovich, Shine Louise
Houston, Courtney Trouble, Shar Rednour and Jackie Strano.
3-5pm
122 Wheeler on the UC Berkeley Campus

*APRIL 16th:*
*Selina Raven, professional dominatrix*
Discussion on BDSM and pro-domming
3-5pm
2312 Tolman on the UC Berkeley Campus

*APRIL 8th:*
*Tarts & Crafts*
5:30-7pm
At the Center for Sex and Culture (1519 Mission Street between 11th
and S. VanNess)
A monthly event where you can come with your art projects, knitting,
etc.
http://sexandculture.org/events.html?task=view_detail&agid=22&year=2009&month=04&day=08&catids=34|52|53

*APRIL 8th:*
*Sustainable Polyamory*
8-10 pm
At GoodVibes Valencia, 603 Valencia Street (at 17th Street)
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Please call 415-522-5460 to reserve a seat.
If you are interested in loving more than one person with integrity,
clear communication and passion, polyamory may be the relationship
style for you. This workshop with Kenneth Winter is designed to
deliver practical information about how to create multiple loving
relationships that work.*

APRIL 8th:*
*Striptease for Lovers w/ Tricksie Treat*
7:30pm
At the Center for Sex and Culture (1519 Mission Street between 11th
and S. VanNess)
Cost: $20, space is limited so sign up in advance at:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/59810
Do you have a Striptease God or Goddess attempting to make contact
with the outside world? Join local burlesque performer and Lusty Lady
dancer, Tricksie Treat, in this fun and active workshop! All genders
welcome!
http://sexandculture.org/events.html?task=view_detail&agid=93&year=2009&month=04&day=08

*APRIL 9th:
The Art of Partnership: Creating Partnership Within Relationship w/
Marcia Baczynski*
7-9pm
At the Center for Sex and Culture (1519 Mission Street between 11th
and S. VanNess)
Cost: $20, $15-12 if preregistered at:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/61533
http://sexandculture.org/events.html?task=view_detail&agid=54&year=2009&month=04&day=09

*APRIL 10th:*
*Sizzle: Erotic Literary Series*
7-10pm
$10-15 sliding scale, or $5 for open mic performers.
At Femina Potens (Sanchez and Market)

*APRIL 11th:*
*SCREWUP: BDSM for trannies and queers*
6-8pm
At Femina Potens (Sanchez and Market)

*APRIL 11th:*
*Eros and Gaia, or Why Bi and Poly Love Good for the Planet w/ Serena
Anderlini-D’Onofrio*
At the Center for Sex and Culture (1519 Mission Street between 11th
and S. VanNess)*
*Benefits CSC and CARAS
2-5pm
Bi and poly styles of love often involve the sharing of emotional and
physical resources, including partners. Why is this ecological? Why
is it good for the planet that hosts our species? How can it help to
heal the relationship our species has with the Earth? How can it
improve our chances to continue to be welcome on the mantle teeming
with life that our planet Gaia still is?
http://sexandculture.org/events.html?task=view_detail&agid=97&year=2009&month=04&day=11

*APRIL 11th:
Writers With Drinks*
7:30-9:30pm, doors open at 7pm
All proceeds benefit the Center for Sex and Culture.
At The Make-Out Room 3225 22nd. St., San Francisco CA
http://sexandculture.org/events.html?task=view_detail&agid=114&year=2009&month=04&day=11&catids=34|52|53

*APRIL 12th:*
*Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence 30th Anniversary Celebration in Dolores*
*Park*
11am-6pm in Dolores Park
The party continues with lots of fun and entertainment and Noe &
Market, and finally follow the fun as it spill over into the Castro!
Tons of fun for everyone!

*APRIL 13th:*
*Spanking and Paddling (NEW)*
8-10 pm
At GoodVibes Berkeley, 2504 San Pablo Avenue (at Dwight Way)
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Please call 510-841-8987 to reserve a seat.
Spanking is one of the most basic skills for S&M, and it’s also one of
the most versatile. You’ll learn how different positions can affect
the experience, ways to pace and time a spanking for the best effect,
important anatomy and safety tips, and how to use your hands and toys
to create different sensations.

*APRIL 14th*
*Take Back the Night March*
Tuesday April 14th, 2009
5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Sproul Plaza on the UC Berkeley Campus
We are Take Back the Night, a coalition of students, who aim to shatter
the silence surrounding sexual violence, domestic violence, rape, and hate
crimes. For more information: http://takebackthenight2009.blogspot.com/

*APRIL 15th:*
*ThinkPhilosophy Salon: What do the rich owe the poor?*
7-9pm
At Femina Potens (Sanchez and Market)
Philosopher led adventures into questions of Truth, Goodness, and
Beauty. Moderated by D. Rita Alfonso, Ph.D. in Philosophy and U.C.
Berkeley Faculty. $5.

*APRIL 16th:*
*Take Back the Night Rally*
Thursday April 16th, 2009
5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Sproul Plaza on the UC Berkeley Campus
We are Take Back the Night, a coalition of students, who aim to shatter the
silence surrounding sexual violence, domestic violence, rape, and hate
crimes. For more information: http:// takebackthenight2009.blogspot.com/

“Mo was such a crazy masochist. He was getting beat hard from every angle. I told him that his ass was nice and red, so he must be warmed up? He said yes. So I started with him really hard. He moaned, but I don’t know if I could hit him too hard if I tried. Later I saw a Domme with her whole fucking arm up inside Mo. Like a Mo-pop. It was the most intense fisting scene I’ve ever witnessed. Including porn. The Domme was kneeling down, Mo was standing above… on her like a puppet. And Mo’s a big big person… jesus. It was intense.”

First is the issue of the pronouns of my partners. Besides the fact that many folks can’t wrap their head around the fact that I have more than one partner, is the fact that most folks have a hard time understanding me when I drop a “he” instead of a “she” in reference to someone I’m fucking or dating. Futher proving that sexuality and “gender variance” are way too firmly linked (transmen must be into women, transwomen must be into men..right?), this obnoxious confusion on the part of most of society usually makes me divulge way more about my love life then even I want to.

A good example is a conversation I had the other day with a big hunk of heteronormative cis-man that I’ve befriended in the ceramics studio. I think my queerness is really exciting to him. Not in the sexual kind of way, but in the “hey! cool! a dyke!” kind of way. He commented on the giant hickies of doom that had been left on my neck a few days prior by an adorable boi, and asked “what girl” I’d been seeing.

Not wanting to get into the finer points of my gender identity and sexuality that particular morning, by I just started using the pronoun “they.” This made the dude even happier because he assumed I got the hickies from not one, but two girls at once! I calmly corrected him and let him know it was just one person, but once it slipped out that this person went to Mills, he was back on the assumption that it was a girl. Instead of correct him and launch into an endless conversation about how I identify as a boi and so did this person, so technically it was boi-on-boi sex, not girl-on-girl, I just let the conversation end. Cause seriously, I just wanted to make my fucking art, not teach Gender and Sexuality 101.

This is a great example of the complete fucking ignorance of most of the rest of the world when it comes to gender expression and identity- another issue that won’t go away. In some spaces I’ve chosen not to “come out” as being boi-identified. Classrooms and restuarants are good examples. I’m not going to correct someone on my pronouns who I’ll more than likely never see again. And I get it- I don’t “look” like a boy, I look like a “dyke.”

But then there are the spaces where I HAVE come out as using male pronouns, and people STILL DON’T GET IT. I’ve come out to my housemates (all 40 of them) twice now- and there are only about 5 of them who make a consistent effort to call me “he.” Even folks within the queer community make the assumption I’m a dyke instead of asking my preferred pronoun. I work at a transgender rights organization and get “she” and “her” all the time from people who really should know better then to assume my gender identity.

I understand that gender is messy. There are books, theories, and organizations dedicated to figuring it out. But sometimes I have to wonder- is it really too much for folks to just ASK and stop ASSUMING?

I was out in San Francisco for my Ma’am’s birthday dinner with my Ma’am, Sir and leather sister the Friday that my brother called me to tell me my father had fallen and was comatose in the hospital. My Leather Family’s support throughout the night was completely honest, open and unwavering.

I wanted to keep soldiering on to keep my mind occupied-we left dinner for the play party we had scheduled. They humored me as I kept dashing out to take phone calls or check text messages from my brother. My Sir let me cry into her chest when I received the call from my brother about my dad’s broken neck, severe brain damage and continuing coma.

And later, when I got the call from my brother telling me to buy a plane ticket home because my father more than likely wouldn’t make it through the weekend, my Ma’am gave me four needles to release the flood of tears, energy and emotion that I was letting build.

My Ma’am, Sir and leather sister called, emailed and texted throughout the weekend and following week, reminding me of their support and inviting and re-inviting me to call if I needed to talk. The day after my return to the Bay Area, my Ma’am shaved my head for me- an important step in my mourning process.

My Leather Family provides me with support on so many levels- mentorship within the leather community, pleasure, pain, guidance…And this experience has shown me their importance in a new way- Emotional support when my “normal” life crumbles out from under my feet.